Are you ashamed of me?
by peacelight
Summary: Merlin and Arthur get there signal's crossed both afraid the other is ending it. This leads them to confront there feelings for each other, and exactly what they are willing to give up for each other. One-Shot


Merlin smiled at Arthur, the two had just untangled themselves from each other.

"I have to be going sire." Merlin said. It was getting late even for him. The guards could get suspicious.

Arthur nodded, "Good night, then."

Merlin got up, he could feel Arthur's gaze on him.

"What?" Merlin asked.

"Nothing, just enjoying the show." Arthur said. He used his elbows to pull himself up onto the bed.

Merlin always felt a little self conscious in these moments, he was so much smaller than Arthur. He always feared that Arthur would tire of his body.

"No need to rush." Arthur said, he was still as in awe of Merlin as the day he first saw him naked.

"Gaius will worry," Merlin said as he tied his trousers.

Arthur nodded, as always he hoped that Merlin was okay with the secret, after all Merlin had never had to keep something this important to himself.

Camelot's future King could not be seen having an affair with a servant, Uther would never allow it. Especially seeing as he had to be with a woman, it was the only way to insure an heir.

Arthur didn't know what he would do when he was King, but he knew that his life would not be complete without Merlin.

Merlin closed the chamber doors and walked towards Gaius's chambers. He always felt so strange after he left Arthur. The joy with him was nothing that he had ever experienced, but once he was gone he felt such pain. Merlin always felt guilty for lying to Arthur, but he was already putting him in so much danger, after all their relationship was taboo. He didn't know if he wanted to add the burden of him being a sorcerer to the mix. A small part of him was worried that Arthur would not want him anymore. Merlin also worried that Arthur and him would always be a secret, that stolen moments would be all they had. He didn't know how many double lives he could have? There were so many secrets. One secret life is all he could handle.

Leon came up to Merlin. "Late night with Arthur?"

Merlin nodded, "There was so much to clean, and you know Arthur he never makes it easy."

Leon nodded, he still wondered if he was missing something, he always wondered if there was more to Merlin than met the eye.

Merlin hurried away before Leon could talk more. Leon always assumed that Merlin was uncomfortable around him, which he wished he could change. Merlin was an important part of Arthur's life he wanted to be at least friendly with the boy. And there was something...Leon just couldn't put his finger on it.

* * *

The next day started off like any other. Merlin got Arthur his breakfast. As Merlin hurried to Arthur's chambers, he wondered if they would be alone.

"Merlin, I have been waiting for you." Arthur said, Arthur stood their he was wearing only a pair of trousers, that hung loosely on his waist. Merlin knew that Arthur was doing that solely to make him crazy.

"You didn't need me to wake you, I'm surprised." Merlin teased. This rarely happened.

Arthur was smiling. "Well my father is planning a day trip with Morgana, and I thought perhaps after I am done with the knights you would like to go hunting."

Merlin knew what hunting meant, they would escape to a private spot to be together.

"As you wish sire." Merlin said with a smile. He would have something to look forward too.

Arthur felt the flutter in his stomach, he always expected Merlin to reject him. Merlin was the only one who saw him as just Arthur, not a prince, and he always thought that one day Merlin would realize that just Arthur wasn't good enough.

Arthur moved forward, he loved the feeling of Merlin's eyes on him. "Just so you have something to look forward too today." Arthur smiled into a deep kiss. He loved pulling Merlin in. Merlin never wanted to move.

Merlin head the pull at the door, and he jumped back. Arthur felt his heart crash, there was such a look of fear on Merlin's face.

Leon walked in flanked by two knights. "Sire, we were meant to inform you that the King want's you to deal with some looters in the lower town."

"I thought my father was leaving for the day?" Arthur said, trying not to look at Merlin.

Merlin saw the look of discomfort on Arthur's face, he looked so ashamed. It felt like someone had just punched him in the stomach. Merlin never thought that Arthur was ashamed of him, not really, until now.

"He has changed his plans, sire." Leon said, he respectfully bowed and exited the room.

"Merlin..." Arthur wanted to say something.

"I will attend to your armor, you will want it polished before you leave." Merlin said, he left so quickly, Arthur didn't even have a chance to formulate a reply.

The look of fear had crippled Arthur. For the first time Arthur saw the danger he was putting Merlin in. Uther would never hurt him, after all he was his son and heir, but Merlin...if Uther found out the best outcome would be banishment and the worst...Arthur shuddered even thinking of it. He knew all this time to keep the relationship a secret, but he had done his best not to think of the consequences for Merlin.

How could he be so selfish? How could he risk Merlin's life so carelessly? All Arthur had been thinking about was the next secret moment between him and Merlin. Not the reality of the situation he had put Merlin in.

Arthur was half glad there were looters, it would give him something to hit.

* * *

The Knights rode ahead, Merlin as always stayed next to Arthur, his eyes always scanning for a threat. But unlike any other day, they were silent. Both so unsure, afraid to speak to the other.

Leon waited for the pair to catch up. The Knights were expecting them to be laughing about something, usually when the pair fell behind they were to busy talking. Yet this time it was complete silence.

Leon knew that there was something wrong.

Arthur just couldn't seem to find something to say to Merlin, he needed to speak to him alone.

Arthur couldn't bear the silence any longer and overtook the knights in a matter of minutes. Now Leon was not the only one to see something strange, they all wondered if Merlin and Arthur were fighting.

Merlin didn't try to catch up with Arthur.

"Merlin, I know we aren't close, the difference in our station's and all that." Leon began awkwardly. "But are you alright?"

Merlin was touched, he never thought Sir Leon payed that much attention to him, after all he was a serving boy. "I'm fine, thank you for asking."

Leon sighed, this was going to be difficult. "It's just...something...something seems off between you and Arthur."

Merlin sighed, people questioning his relationship with Arthur was not helping the situation. "Arthur is just in a foul mood, you know how he gets."

Leon nodded, that could be all, but Leon had seen Arthur in a foul mood, the only person he would speak to was Merlin.

The Knights came upon the Looters in about an hour. They made quick work of them, it was routine. Merlin changed the direction of a couple arrows, and dropped a couple branches, in doing so he probably saved the life of a knight or two.

Merlin slipped further into the background on the ride back. The knights were enjoying there after battle rehash, they had to discuss there glory.

Leon had returned to ride along side Arthur, taking Merlin's place.

Arthur didn't join in on the conversation, he wasn't particularly in the mood for it. Fighting hadn't helped him at all, he just felt worse.

Once back in Camelot, Merlin didn't accompany him back to his chambers. Arthur had another servant help him with his armor. He paced in his chambers, hoping Merlin would walk in.

He didn't.

That's it! Arthur thought, he was the prince of Camelot if he wanted to talk to Merlin he damn well could. He headed straight to Gaius's chambers. "Where is he?" Arthur demanded.

Gaius looked startled but, he replied quickly. "Merlin said he had a long day and went to the tavern sire."

Arthur nodded at Gaius and turned quickly and headed out.

Arthur had never seen Merlin drink before. Merlin had just arrived at the Tavern when he saw Arthur coming in.

He motioned at him. Merlin had the deepest desire to decline, make a scene, something. The way Arthur had ignored him all day had cut him like a knife. But he knew that he had to be smarter than that.

He sighed and followed. Arthur walked briskly towards the edge of town. "I want to be alone, where there is no chance of being overheard."

Arthur wasn't taking any chances anymore.

Merlin sighed, he wanted to break his heart in private how sweet.

They walked for almost twenty minutes, each of them agonized over the next conversation.

"We have gone far enough." Merlin said.

"Merlin...I have...you know I am no good with words"Arthur sighed.

"It's fine your actions have made your feelings perfectly clear." Merlin said, he refused to show Arthur any weakness.

Arthur wanted to shout, he had been thinking about how to word this and yet he couldn't remember anything. "Merlin, I am so sorry."

"Sorry, is that it?" Merlin hissed. "You tired of me now."

"What the hell are you going on about?" Arthur said, instantly confused. "I am sorry that I put your life in danger unknowingly. I was sorry that you were scared this morning."

"Wait what?" Merlin said. "I thought you didn't want me anymore."

"How did you get that ridiculous notion?" Arthur asked confused.

Merlin didn't look Arthur in the eye. "I thought that you had changed your mind, you didn't want to risk your reputation to be with a servant. I thought you were ashamed of me."

Arthur was shocked. "How could you think that? When Leon walked in and I saw the fear in your eyes I thought it was because you were worried about what would happen if you and I were discovered. Not some ridiculous notion that I didn't want you."

Merlin didn't know what to say, he had been so used to having his life be in risk, that he hadn't even considered it. If he was being honest, he was a little startled but that was all. Arthur was distraught by that little display of fear?

"I..." Merlin didn't know what to say.

Arthur walked towards Merlin, he tilted his face, so he could see his eyes. "I could never be ashamed of you."

Merlin was still at a loss for words. "But you have to realize the danger Merlin, my father...he isn't a understanding man."

"So I've noticed. " Merlin said, smiling slightly for the first time.

"This isn't a joke, Merlin. Don't you understand the risk?" Arthur wanted to ask, how Merlin could think he was worth the risk.

"I understand the risk Arthur." Merlin said clearly. "I am not a idiot."

Arthur needed to pace. "Perhaps you are, how can you take such a risk?" Arthur wanted to shout, I'm not worth the risk.

"Why would you risk your reputation, your father's respect?" Merlin asked.

"Because Merlin..." Arthur realized Merlin just said he was worth risking his life.

"How did I ever get so lucky?" Arthur asked.

"What do you mean?" Merlin said. He wanted, he needed Arthur to explain. To say the words out loud.

"You Merlin, how did I ever manage to convince you to love me?" Arthur looked so sincere. Merlin couldn't stop smiling.

"I ask myself the same thing." Merlin said.

"You would really risk your life to be with me?" Arthur asked, perhaps Merlin would come to his senses?

"Arthur I would risk everything to be with you, you should wonder why a prince would ever want to..." Merlin didn't get a chance to finish that sentence. Arthur rushed over to him and kissed him.

"Merlin don't you ever think you are less than me." Arthur murmured inches form Merlin's lips. Arthur started to kiss Merlin's jaw. "You are smart." Arthur said, still barely moving an inch away from Merlin. "You are funny." Arthur tugged at Merlin's shirt. "You are breath taking."

Arthur looked up and saw the disbelief in Merlin's eyes.

Arthur stated directly at Merlin. "You are so breath taking that sometimes I get lost just looking at you."

"Arthur..." Merlin was so utterly seduced, each word Arthur said was with such certainty, he felt as if it had to be true. "You know how many moments a day I wish I could be with you, how many times I dream of touching you."

Arthur kissed him again. "Do you?"

"I beginning too," Merlin said. "You know you aren't so bad with words."

Arthur smiled. "I love you Merlin, how about that for words."

"Well lucky for you, I feel the same way." Merlin said.

Arthur grinned, ear from ear.

"Your still an idiot." Arthur laughed.

"Your still a clotpole." Merlin said, he kissed Arthur. The stupid clot pole was the love of his life, no matter what challenges they faced, Merlin knew it was worth it.

* * *

**I was rewatching a couple episodes of Merlin, and I got hit with serious Merlin feels, so as a result I have written this one-shot. I know it's a bit cheesy hope you like it :D**

**Sorry for any mistakes. Happy Reading :D**


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